I Wrote This for You

"I had a feeling that I belonged, and I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone..." -Fast Car, Tracy Chapman


Today, the sun is out. It's been raining a lot lately. I'd like to think it's because you aren't here. I lie. You're always here because you're always on my mind. My head is so congested, but I'd rather it be congested with thoughts of you than of my pessimism. Several times, I've been behind a closed door with nothing but you and my notebook. Who knew the entire world could fit into a room?


The last time I cried, you held me close to you. You smelled like everything right about life. You smelled like Christmas, the first sip of water after a run. Like new love. In that moment, I felt like I'd always be eighteen, always residing in the shelter of your arms. It'll be one of those moments I inscribe on my skin so it's close. I'll never brag about "beating" you in 2K because you could've blown me out. Instead, you kissed me, took my controller, brought Golden State up by like forty points, then gave me my controller back and still threw the game. "I love you" isn't always said in three words. Sometimes, it's two. "Stop worrying." Eight. "I don't know what I'd do without you."


You're a stark contrast to everything I've ever known, and sometimes I resent you for it. For being genuine. For being luminescent in all the places I'm dark. For believing when the numbers just don't add up to me. I'm sorry I'm not always receptive to good things. I'm sorry that I apologize too much. I'm sorry for being insecure. I'm sorry for being so small with such a big mouth. I'm sorry that I'm sorry for these things because you love every one, everything. Every extension of me. I didn't intend to write a love letter today, but as it turns out I'm better at exposing myself on a keyboard.


Imagery has never been my strongpoint. Words to describe a specimen of your beauty evades me. I keep writing, keep analyzing, keep trying. They just never seem to be enough. To save my life, I can't find the right letter combinations to do you justice. I'll stick to three.


I love you.