Reasons Not to Say Sorry

I knew something was wrong when I found myself consciously walking softer mid-strut. Or when I had to water down every compliment given to me. "Oh, Drea, your makeup looks nice." "Thanks. I think I should've blended my eyeshadow more." When I found myself apologizing for having my own toes stepped on. I'd catch myself and wonder why I was sorry for taking up space in this world like all matter does (and like all things that matter do). I realized it probably had little to do with my home training (my parents talk mad shit, but they value good manners) and more to do with my crippling self-awareness. It's embarrassing to admit I spend a vast majority of my free time looking at myself and have done so for years. When I'm out with friends, going to the bathroom magically becomes "Hey, squeeze out the little black things on your nose time" as if a self-conscious hybrid of Bambi and Rudolph is less distracting. Seriously, I felt a little ridiculous last week reprimanding myself for missing the back of my thigh when I shaved. My legs still looked incredible, and I was wearing my favorite shorts. There was no cause for dissatisfaction, so I invented one. What's the real problem? Could it be after years of wearing clothes I was forced to or needing permission to have a resting bitch face ("Smile, honey. Don't look so mean."), doing what I want feels guilt-provoking and immoral? Perhaps, but as much as I'd like to believe this is a societal issue, I'm convinced it's just...me and my inability to consistently like myself. That changes today. Anything not growing is dead, and if I'm seeking validation for loving my walk, my talk, disdain for bras, or my loud lipstick colors, I'll never reach nirvana. At this point in my life, I have to realize the power I wield and use it to the fullest extent possible. If my confidence makes others uncomfortable, that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Reasons not to say sorry? I am alive, I am human, and I am worth more than constant confinement and self-doubt.