Alright, y'all, so I've talked numerous times on here about the fact that sexual expression for women is almost nonexistent. If you've been following me on Instagram for a prolonged period of time, then you've seen me post thirst traps, my nipple piercings (which was less controversial than I imagined it would be), and CupcakKe lyrics. I used to be comfortable doing those things for two main reasons: 1) my body is mine, and if I'm proud of it, then I'm proud of it, and I'm going to show it off. I look good as hell, and that's just going to be what that is. 2) In high school, someone I really cared about and trusted decided to show my nudes to people that were only acquaintances or complete strangers to me. Like dumbasses, they didn't quietly whack off to me without me knowing. They actually had the audacity to let me know what they knew. Not cool. When I got older, I decided if I was ever going to be exposed or vulnerable again like that, it would be on my own terms. That whole experience was traumatic for me, and I've talked about it before on here, but not quite with the candor I am comfortable with now.
One of the people that slut-shamed me is a person that I had actually liked. After some lurking, I discovered he's getting married in a time period I won't specify because I'm not trying to help anyone figure out anything. I simply want to talk. Anyway, he's getting married. Lurked on the girl's page. She seems extremely sweet, and she's really a cutie. I wish them the best. No, I don't. I wish her the best. I'm completely against him getting to marry a nice, pretty woman because I feel like he doesn't realize she's the prize, not him or his goddamn hand in marriage. (Who knows? Maybe he's changed. I doubt it.) By the looks of her page, she's a pretty wholesome individual. Nothing is wrong with that at all, but it made me begin to resent some of my life, some of my nature. I felt like while everyone is getting cuffed up, am I going to have to remain alone because I love my male friends (that's a whooooole other blog entry, but basically until I find a partner with some fucking sense to know I'm not going to stop talking to my friends for him, I ain't dating.), have opinions, and want to wear what I want?????????
Like do I have to be this wholesome ass flowerpot? I didn't like that....at all. Insecurities had me questioning my validity, and that isn't fair. There isn't any guy that's posted a topless picture wondering if that's the reason he's fucking single. There isn't any guy that's had sex before wondering if that could potentially cause him to never get married. No one avoids listening to "Slob On My Knob," but "Deepthroat" is too explicit?
Please help me understand.
I've woken up and although I know I'll end up mentally going back to that space a few times, I'm going to refute it because logically, it just doesn't make sense. If I end up alone, I have to be comfortable with that because at the end of the day, I mainly just use men for sex and to ignore the fact I don't feel loved in all the ways I'd like to. Bad men aren't going to fix anything about me. I have to leave them alone, and I'm learning to. Lately I've been giving second chances, but never thirds. It's really easy to get cut off by me, and I'm lonely as hell. I'm not letting be lonely equate to me being foolish anymore. I'm tired of being masochistic. I'm tired of letting people close enough for them to disappoint me. I'm tired.
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