The Bad Bitch Diet

 

"Cut them fake hoes off, and I ain't feel nothin'." -Numb, JT

Today I'm getting by water. I'm submerging my feet. I'm going to hopefully feel the sun after all these rainy days and getting up at early af o'clock. 

I want to warm my skin and visit myself...sit in silence with my phone in the car because sometimes, perhaps very often, it really *is* that damn phone.

Perhaps my oracle cards will tell a different story today, one of triumph and self-mastery. I will be grateful for all the combinations of celestial dust, fate, irony, and fortitude it took to animate me. My locs will continue winding into themselves. I will rest my palms on the same earth that witnessed my weeping. It will offer me cushioning. 

Whether or not I feel more or less of what I'm anticipating, I will be consumed. Bad bitches are always consumed by people. They watch, whisper, poke, police. To offer all that attention without true care feels sick. I haven't learned anything new about people since I was sixteen. I've simply forgotten and remembered in cycles. What more is there to learn besides the fact that people will eat me both figuratively and literally without actually acquiring a taste for me? 

My former homeboy described me as a "turkey sandwich" (reliable, tasty without the fuss), and that, ironically, is one of the more endearing things I've been described as. I understood what he meant. I'm like home, but dwellings only have the quality of the people occupying them. My best tenant is myself, so I've refrained from letting people in for quite some time, even for a brief visit. 

What's consumed is rarely edified. People don't trust me, and that is a mutual feeling. How many weird bitches, obsessive niggas, and the disappointments left by them should I allow myself to endure? I've maxed out on fucks to extend. 

Fuck the radio silence after being all goofy in my face. Fuck the fake concern. Fuck the proximity. Fuck the weird ass projections.  Fuck the hoes that want me gone so they can play dress-up with my aura. 

Starve.