Just Say No! (To Relationships as an insecure person)

 I'm at that stage in life where I clearly recognize love as a fantasy, and you can call it "bitter".

I really don't give a damn.

If you have a lot of "love" (platonic or romantic) in your life, congratulations! You're probably just extremely useful in some way. You build someone's ego, you've got money, or you come from a good family, OR you two are just trying to spite someone else. People do not "love" for the sake of love. 

People only "love" people that mistreat them or are indifferent to their existence. Actual lovergirls will die out here trying to find a suitable receiver for all they have to offer. I'm not saying I'm the most unique or beautiful woman in the world, but as I've explained before on this blog, I'm at the very least reasonable and committed. There's no need for me to compile a grocery list of everything else that I am. Hell, I'm to the point where I'd rather create a fucking spreadsheet on an IBM computer before I intellectualize the fact I'm a person. 

I didn't ask to be here, and it seems quite clear to me no one wants me here anyway: not my rude ass mother, not my lame ass exes, not my former "friends." I exist in a fucking vacuum,

but I exist nonetheless. 

I've complained about my state of lovelessness for a decade now. No youth, no beauty, no pussy, no anything can make people care about you who simply don't want to. At least when my life was in shambles, I understood people avoiding the chaos. 

Now I'm "perfect" at best..."well enough" at worst, and still....here we are. I've ran out of things to blame it on, but I'm also not stupid enough to feel there's some deficit within me that people can sense. Quite the contrary, I think most people assume themselves unworthy of being around me, and they're likely right...but that has more to do with them and how they're handling their perceived shortcomings than it says about me.

Frankly, I should be grateful. At least the days of soul-absorbing sponges disguising themselves as comrades are behind me. That's because I'm honest enough to see it now. I know when I'm being approached to fulfill someone's projections or irrational fears. I know when someone is simply going to suck me dry, and that's most people. I know when I'm being lovebombed, and that's the rest of them...

I don't avoid people because I'm insecure. When I was insecure, I was the most open to what others had to bring and realized that what they brought for me was always bullshit. I'm done.