♫"F*ck you too b*tch, call the cops. I'mma kill you and them loud-ass barking dogs. And when the cops came through, me and Dre stood next to a burnt down house with a can full of gas and a hand full of matches and still weren't found out..."♪ -Forgot About Dre, Dr. Dre feat. Eminem
Y'all don't actually know me. You know a lot about me. While I've exposed a lot of things about myself here, it has always been done with things in the past tense. When all of those things were actually taking place, I was laughing and shrugging them off like they weren't noxious to me. I was ignoring them because who wants to be the sad bitch in the group? Who wants to always have bad news? I never wanted to be that person because it's toxic to always be around negative energy, but at the end of the day, a bitch was going through a lot.
Now that I'm in a better place in my life (I moved to Louisiana, have an active love life, and the handful of friends I've got been A1 since day one. I'm switching schools because that online ish wasn't working for me, and I'm now a triple threat as a writer, artist, and bad b*tch.), I'm looking back on basically 12-18, and my healing has taken so long because I have perpetually called it off in order to make everybody around me comfortable.
Fuck y'all.
If my discomfort is an inconvenience to you, you don't have to f*ck with me.
1. My sexuality. While now I am in a committed relationship and am no longer having casual sex with people, I still did multiple times this past year, and I have no shame about it. Hoes are valid, and if you want to label me as a hoe, then that's your right. Just know that it in no way affects the way I value myself. I used to walk through the halls of my old high school with relentless anxiety about people knowing of my sexual endeavors. I refuse to ever be shamed again over what I want and don't want. And the truth is? I probably would've been okay with guys saying their eerie pieces on the matter if there were more girls that were also open with their sexuality instead of shaming each other and acting like they weren't on so-and-so's d*ck the minute I/she/he hopped off of it. Consider that just one of many reasons why I no longer actively search for friends but especially not female friends because honestly? Y'all are so damn insecure and toxic and weird: not all, but a good majority. Keep that away from me.
2. My mental health. I am somewhat possessive and really enjoy reassurance. That doesn't mean I'm unwilling to give people around me the space that they need but before you decide to treat me a certain way and make me feel as if I matter to you, understand I will constantly be rethinking what my position is to you and how I can keep it. Your feelings will constantly be taken into consideration because I will think you are taking mine to the head as well. If that is not the case, do not falsely guide me to believing so. Be frank with me because what may be menial to you could greatly affect me, and if I got comfortable enough to let you see I'm attached to you, I will not tolerate mistreatment in return because I've already had my fair share of abuse. Speaking of abuse....
3. My parents. While I am at least on speaking terms with my parents, that doesn't mean I condone everything that took place while I was under their care. I have been pretty silent about my situation with them because I didn't want to look like I was losing authenticity or praising their mistreatment. No, they did a lot wrong and so did I. I accept responsibility for my reactions to the things that went on, but I refuse to feel bad for accepting the truth about myself, and that is I want their love and approval.
I am finally becoming the woman I want to be, meaning that even though I no longer flaunt my nipples all over the place, smoke and drink, and don't put all of my energy into being everyone's "good-time" girl doesn't mean that I am no longer being true to myself. I'm being true to the version of me that deserves life. I designated myself as everyone's comedic relief when the truth is not a goddamn soul asked me to take that position and almost all the people I disregarded my personal trials for aren't even on speaking terms with me, so when I say I do not care who takes it personal that they are no longer invited to be an active part of my existence, I need you to feel that on a spiritual level because your feelings are valid. If people try to mock them, scrutinize you for having them, or belittle their part in your destruction, I need you to cut that off with a swiftness. Everything is not a joke, and your state of well being definitely is not.
