I have to be clocked in at Dollar General in 44 minutes. I don't want to clock in at Dollar General, but somebody's gotta do it. I don't have another persona that can go work for me and pretend to be okay.
I killed all the other Andreas. They were getting in the way, but they were good liars, and now having all of them weighing inside of me, keeping me grounded instead of in space where I usually am, makes me want to cry.
I can't, though because now I have 42 minutes, and I already did my eye makeup. I am so, so tired.
Please stop showing me things I no longer belong to. Stop making me cry at night. Stop making me de-forgive people after I've stopped being angry. You're relentless and cruel. You steal my laughter and reverse it like playing a song backwards. You shove it back into body, make it strangle me for your amusement. You pound my mind with sorrow until my headaches pound me back to numbness.
I'm begging you. Leave me alone. Stop making me log in to look at pages of people I no longer know; I no longer want to know. Stop dragging me through mud and rocks and broken glass because I've chosen to be in love. You make it so hard for me. I'm sorry for what you went through; I am, partly because I enjoyed you going through it, partly because I'm no longer in it with you.
You're miserable. You tell everyone. You write about it in my diaries. You keep postponing the therapist's consultation. You don't want me to forget.
Stop it. Fucking stop it. I'm trying to be wholly alright. You're trying to be holey, incomplete. You need excuses; I do not.
The only problem is that this isn't an open letter to another person, another force. It's to me. Let me live.
Hiya. Case ya didn't know, I'm Andrea, and I author this blog.
MY INSECURITIES HAVE BEEN COMING FOR MY NECK LATELY.
As much as I hate it, I constantly reflect on my adolescence because truthfully it wasn't that long ago. I'm only twenty.
Throughout most of my adolescence I was bullied a lot by regular classmates and even friends. I'm trying to get to a point where I don't really hold that against anyone because after all, we were all shitty in our teens, but yikes. I've just resorted to pretending a few people don't exist.
There is one friend, however, that teased me, and I've truly been able to forgive, so I'm really pleased with that. Anyway, my insecurities aren't so much based on my looks. They're usually about my intellect or my social skills. I have intense social anxiety, and it's worsened since moving to Louisiana where no one knows me, and I've literally been able to fall off the radar for most of the people I used to know.
I can't post a caption, but the above photo is me hiding in the bathroom at a function Sunday. That being said, being insecure about my appearance is super weird, but that's what's been happening lately. I don't really know what to do for it. I've removed myself from my main social media source (Instagram) for a little while because that usually helps. Don't get me wrong. I think I'm really pretty, and I like myself. I've worked hard to, but I just....I don't know. Sometimes it feels like something's missing, and like today I was on the verge of tears because my two year natural journey is coming up in April, and I feel so baldheaded.
My hair is at a decent length, but I figured by this time my afro would be huge, and I'd just have this voluminous natural hair, and that's just not the case. It's disappointing because I've taken care of my hair and, to a lesser degree, myself. To have a goal and not even be able to see it really has me feeling a way.
It's not even about my hair at this point. It's really just about the fact that I did what I was supposed to, and I'm not reaping the benefits.
ALSO I'M REALLY TIRED OF COLLEGE?????
This is a pretty smooth semester, but I still have a good ways to go before my Associate's Degree is in my hand, and I'm really exasperated at this point. I want to finish, and I plan to finish. I don't want this to be time I've wasted, but god. I keep trying to tell myself I'm a published author, and I'm on the right path to my dreams and yada, yada, yada. I'm just really impatient and trying to create roots anywhere is difficult for me. I've always been on the run. My family moved all over town when I was growing up. I changed friends like draws in school. I've always had to flake on plans. I can't even pretend, however, that I'm a product of environment. Most of this is just me and my inability to let things go. Before I go, here's a song I really enjoy. Hope it helps you too.
Keeping our toxic family members in our lives "just because they're blood." If you can't avoid it, I don't blame you. This is for the people that can and choose not to.
Letting people mispronounce our names. AN*DREE*UH is not hard to say, and I'm correcting everyone all 2019. You should too. I don't care how difficult your name is. If they've heard you say it more than once, they can learn it.
Letting people shit all over our pronouns. (Flashback to a few weeks ago when I misgendered Adri's video game character. Yikes, Andrea)
Staying in unhealthy relationships because we think we don't deserve better. Torture yourself on your own time. You don't have to allow someone else to.
Letting people touch us without permission or not speaking up when they do. (Creepy girl at work puts her hand on your shoulder. Tell her to move it.)
Assuming women are trustworthy. Shitty people come in all forms. I think gender norms give us this image of hypermasculinity as normal for men and nurturing behavior as normal for women. No. Always be vigilant of who's in your space.
Spending all our money.
Giving more than we get. Match everyone's energy cause, hunty, if you do not you'll keep having to post cryptic Tweets about ya social circle.
Idealizing this "future" version of ourselves instead of doing things we believe that person would do.
"Anything I like goes in the cart. I might spend it all to prove a point..." --Chun Swae, Nicki Minaj feat Swae Lee
The word "petty" is overused and annoying as hell now. It's kind of like "problematic." The terminology is now so redundant and misused that really when something is labelled as such it's almost difficult to give it credibility. Some things I think are petty: coworkers. They're weird as shit. I've never had a job where I liked all or even half of my coworkers. I think it's petty to pseudo-apologize to someone for something you know you did wrong. You know the types of apologies I'm talking about. It's the ones where they're apologizing, but they're still blaming you for whatever they did.
What I don't think is petty? Unfollowing and/or blocking people on social media. There's literally nothing attached to that I can even say is petty. You think this couple is annoying? Block. You've already ignored this guy's DMs twice, and he's still trying? Block. He/She is posting super cringe material? B L O C K. I don't even keep up with my followers. I know they fluctuate consistently. Every time I post, I lose and/or gain some followers, but hey. People have every right to guard their intake, and if they don't want me as a part of their intake, that's completely fine.
Now I will be candid as I always am on this blog. I'll unfollow or block anyone for the aforementioned reasons, but I'll also do it to avoid being negative myself.
Let me clarify.
Let's say I'm at a time in my life where I'm really unhappy. Things are just not going right no matter what I do. If there's a person (or some people) that seem super duper happy all on the TL (even if it isn't true), I may have to mute them for a bit to avoid comparisons or sending negativity their way. At the end of the day, it is extremely hard for me to be cheerful for other people when my life sucks. That's a character flaw I'm not actively working on, but I do know it needs to get better. (To clarify, this doesn't include my really close friends. I can always be happy for them because I love them, but even their good news can sometimes skew me a little).
The bottom line is this. We're all growing and evolving. The less we make things seem like personal attacks, the more happy and productive we can be. It will also make it easier so that when we actually are attacked, we know we're not in the wrong for standing up for ourselves.
Alright so I don't know if it's because bitches are nosey or what, BUT it seems my more personal entries are preferred. Since I said I'd come through being an even badder bitch this year (as I do every year. I really just get better with age.), I'm determined to promote my blog more.
Alright, honies. I like the idea of the blog being a "mixtape metaphor." I'm just kind of sick of numbering tracks. I don't know what my next theme will be, and I'm always open to ideas, but you guys don't really interact with me like I wish you would, so I never know exactly what you want. I've long promised a blog entry dealing with porn industry racism, and I still intend to do that, but damn if I do all this research, are you guys actually even going to spend time reading it? That's all I want to know.
This year is going to bring a lot of changes to my personal life and one of those changes includes living with my significant other. I'm excited for this because we have what was referred to in my communications class as a "symmetrical interpersonal relationship." Meaning we're pretty much on the same wavelength all across the board. I like that. I like the idea that I will have my partner alongside me adulting without being invasive or problematic to my space and well-being. I am finally happy despite the fact that I am mentally exhausted a majority of the time. I'll probably feel better once my student refund drops. Money makes my psyche a dozen times better.
I have to go to my part-time today (I mean as I do every weekend), but GOOD GOD I DO NOT FEEL LIKE GOING. I really just need to sleep for about two weeks, and then I could come back and be the Andrea I need to be. Seeing as that's impossible, however, I hope you guys had a better week than me.
"Be gone when I count to three..." -Backwood, Ari Lennox
The first post of 2019 should explore some life updates.
*I'm not single anymore. Jonathan and I are going for round two of dating. (Insert hella heart eyes)
*I bought a trailer last year and am currently waiting for it to be moved to its lot. (Of course people closest to me are invited to come visit)
*I made the Chancellor's List last semester.
*I've had two publications come out this year. (If you follow me on any social media, you already know the one for this month is linked in my "Other Writings" already.)
*I have health insurance, so I'm going to therapy this year.
In addition to some life updates, it should also mention some things I've come into terms with.
*I probably won't be talking to my parents more than a handful of times per year beginning this year. I'm okay with that.
*I've fucked people over as much as they've fucked me over, and there are certain people that I still owe apologies to. At some point, in the near future, I intend to deliver on what's owed from me.
*I'm really talented and driven, and despite how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I will find success in anything I'm determined to. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.
With that being said, I want to wish everyone a very fruitful and happy new year even though I'm a month late with posting this. I pray you all find the healing and inspiration you deserve. I'm also going to go ahead and rebuke any negative energy coming toward me because fuck allat. It's been difficult to be consistent on this blog, but I promise I will eventually get it together and somehow get back into the groove of consistency with these posts.
