I been in my feels. I been stacking bills online shopping and robbing my chance of surviving. I'm late on rent. What was I thinking? I'm gone go to the gym squat real low for a man..." -Whipped Cream, Ari Lennox
Libras are weird.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what next year will entail for me. I've left certain joys and changes private for the sake of making sure no negative energy attaches itself to me and my plans. Just know when the time is right, you'll be seeing a little (a lot) more of me in my happiest form.
One thing that I consistently have bitched about is my inability to find someone worth talking to, let alone dating. I'm probably going to stop bitching, not because dating wouldn't be fun but because the process of filtering out who's worth dating is so strenuous. Thus far that leaves me with no options. My values have changed dramatically. I'm not equating love to toleration. It doesn't need to feel that way.
I think the most difficult thing about loving me is that I sometimes feel extremely stuck when I commit to institutions and to people. It's hard. Sometimes ya girl wants to be able to run away without having to leave a note on the table or get a million phone calls asking why.
I'm also extremely disappointed in the fact only three people looked at my political representatives post. Like.... do ya care? Are you seeing what's going on? I sent out six letters so far. I'm not saying that to sound like superwoman. I'm doing it to say that the situation at hand with immigration is disturbing, and I'm not being a hypocrite by asking you to do something I haven't done myself.
Also I've been intending to do my natural hair journey entry for ages now, so I decided to go ahead and handle that this Christmas. That'll make me four years post relaxer. I can't imagine going back. It's fun looking at my different appearance phases, but by far my favorite one is the one I'm living right now. I consistently like the way I look now. I like my body, my face, my hair. I like the books I read, the phrases I say. I'm in love with this person, and I want to keep her by all means necessary. Self-preservation isn't selfish; it's necessary.
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Why Didn't They Do Something?
"It's been too hard livin', but I'm afraid to die 'cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky..." -Sam Cooke, "A Change is Gonna Come"
You all have grown with me and witnessed some of my most personal trials. For that I am thankful. It means a lot to know I have encouraged friends, sometimes even strangers to care about something. I ask that even though for the latter part of this year I've been really inconsistent on this platform that if you take nothing else from here, take a consideration for people and what they are going through.
If you're like me, politics are....confusing to say the least, and while it's easy for us to throw fault on entire political parties, debate with people on Twitter, and blast our grievances among friends, that's not doing anything. Don't get me wrong. I will never try to downplay the power of social media. For the most part, though, we have to really get involved with our politicians.
Let's be real. Not everyone has the time or availability to go to protests (as beneficial as they may be). Not everyone gets the message to boycott certain brands or "cancel" certain people. What we can do, however, we should do without hesitance. The treatment of immigrants is horrific and parallels all too well with the Holocaust. One thing that people seem to disassociate with when it comes to history is that history was at one time the present. This is our present:
/https://static.texastribune.org/media/files/3890ef36228e2caf397fa9c1ca98ec2a/CBP_McAllen_1.jpg)
Every twelve seconds a year we spent learning about slavery and the Holocaust in school (all shade), we all asked similar if not the same question: "Why was this allowed to happen? Why didn't they do something?" As we got older, that question seemed perhaps too absurd to ask aloud, but the fact of the matter remains the people who find themselves within the confines of laws (ex: being an immigrant at a time where immigrant laws are harsher seemingly out of nowhere) can't legally do anything about it without retribution. It's the job of those outside the confines to help. I have a featured entry with a few representatives from a handful of southern states where some of my readers are located. I will have it linked below. That post will be my featured post indefinitely so that it is easily accessible. I've done most of the work for you guys that are in the states I have listed, but even if I didn't, I still have the resources linked to find representatives in your respective state.
Here's something to keep in mind. Politicians are people. They are not supernatural, and if we're being pretty frank, most of them are on the same or only slightly above the intellectual wavelength of the average citizen. That means you should not be afraid to interact with them. You can't afford to be. These people can't afford for you to be. I've seen a slew of responses to families being separated and young children being snatched from their parents. Some of those responses were "When you go to prison, you can't be with your children. Don't break the law." One of these responses came from an old classmate of mine. I was disappointed to say the least. If we're going to argue that "laws need to be followed" word for word, then that means no more underage drinking? No more underage tobacco usage? No more marijuana usage in states where it's prohibited? No more driving without insurance? Why is it the law only needs to be followed when it's conveniently oppressive to people you don't care about? Write your representatives. Firmly ask what they intend to do to absolve these people or at least speed up the process of absolution. I opted out of including the political party of the reps (although with a quick Google search, you can find out for yourself) because the idea here isn't to insult or pin direct blame. This atrocity is a group effort, certainly, but in order to get things done, we need to be cooperative and reasonable in our approach.
If people being treated poorly is not enough reason for you to contact your representatives, well, here's another incentive: when they respond back to you, you could actually use that for certain scholarships. Apparently getting involved with politics is a big deal to some that are willing to shell out money for your education. That's just something to keep in mind.
Until next time. I hope you're writing or emailing.
Link to Your Reps
You all have grown with me and witnessed some of my most personal trials. For that I am thankful. It means a lot to know I have encouraged friends, sometimes even strangers to care about something. I ask that even though for the latter part of this year I've been really inconsistent on this platform that if you take nothing else from here, take a consideration for people and what they are going through.
If you're like me, politics are....confusing to say the least, and while it's easy for us to throw fault on entire political parties, debate with people on Twitter, and blast our grievances among friends, that's not doing anything. Don't get me wrong. I will never try to downplay the power of social media. For the most part, though, we have to really get involved with our politicians.
Let's be real. Not everyone has the time or availability to go to protests (as beneficial as they may be). Not everyone gets the message to boycott certain brands or "cancel" certain people. What we can do, however, we should do without hesitance. The treatment of immigrants is horrific and parallels all too well with the Holocaust. One thing that people seem to disassociate with when it comes to history is that history was at one time the present. This is our present:
Every twelve seconds a year we spent learning about slavery and the Holocaust in school (all shade), we all asked similar if not the same question: "Why was this allowed to happen? Why didn't they do something?" As we got older, that question seemed perhaps too absurd to ask aloud, but the fact of the matter remains the people who find themselves within the confines of laws (ex: being an immigrant at a time where immigrant laws are harsher seemingly out of nowhere) can't legally do anything about it without retribution. It's the job of those outside the confines to help. I have a featured entry with a few representatives from a handful of southern states where some of my readers are located. I will have it linked below. That post will be my featured post indefinitely so that it is easily accessible. I've done most of the work for you guys that are in the states I have listed, but even if I didn't, I still have the resources linked to find representatives in your respective state.
Here's something to keep in mind. Politicians are people. They are not supernatural, and if we're being pretty frank, most of them are on the same or only slightly above the intellectual wavelength of the average citizen. That means you should not be afraid to interact with them. You can't afford to be. These people can't afford for you to be. I've seen a slew of responses to families being separated and young children being snatched from their parents. Some of those responses were "When you go to prison, you can't be with your children. Don't break the law." One of these responses came from an old classmate of mine. I was disappointed to say the least. If we're going to argue that "laws need to be followed" word for word, then that means no more underage drinking? No more underage tobacco usage? No more marijuana usage in states where it's prohibited? No more driving without insurance? Why is it the law only needs to be followed when it's conveniently oppressive to people you don't care about? Write your representatives. Firmly ask what they intend to do to absolve these people or at least speed up the process of absolution. I opted out of including the political party of the reps (although with a quick Google search, you can find out for yourself) because the idea here isn't to insult or pin direct blame. This atrocity is a group effort, certainly, but in order to get things done, we need to be cooperative and reasonable in our approach.
If people being treated poorly is not enough reason for you to contact your representatives, well, here's another incentive: when they respond back to you, you could actually use that for certain scholarships. Apparently getting involved with politics is a big deal to some that are willing to shell out money for your education. That's just something to keep in mind.
Until next time. I hope you're writing or emailing.
Link to Your Reps
Monday, December 17, 2018
Resources for Reaching YOUR Political Reps
Representatives for Louisiana
Mr. Clay Higgins
424 Cannon House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Mr. Cedric L. Richmond
420 Cannon HOB
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Mr. Steve Scalise
2338 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Representatives for Mississippi
Mr. Gregg Harper
2227 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Mr. Steven Palazzo
2349 Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Mr. Trent Kelly
1005 Longworth House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Representatives for Alabama
Mr. Gary J. Palmer
330 Cannon House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Ms. Terri Sewell
2201 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Mr. Mike Rogers
2184 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Representatives for Georgia
Mr. Henry C. Johnson
2240 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Mr. A. Drew Ferguson
1032 Longworth House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Mr. Jody Hice
409 Cannon HOB
Washington, DC 20515
To Send an Email:
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Track 5: The Spread
"Scooby Dooby-Doo. He a dog in the bed. Think mayo on bread how I spread my legs. (Open me up) Bring flowers instead 'cause when we done, the twat should be dead...."--CupcakKe, "Blackjack"
Alright, y'all, so I've talked numerous times on here about the fact that sexual expression for women is almost nonexistent. If you've been following me on Instagram for a prolonged period of time, then you've seen me post thirst traps, my nipple piercings (which was less controversial than I imagined it would be), and CupcakKe lyrics. I used to be comfortable doing those things for two main reasons: 1) my body is mine, and if I'm proud of it, then I'm proud of it, and I'm going to show it off. I look good as hell, and that's just going to be what that is. 2) In high school, someone I really cared about and trusted decided to show my nudes to people that were only acquaintances or complete strangers to me. Like dumbasses, they didn't quietly whack off to me without me knowing. They actually had the audacity to let me know what they knew. Not cool. When I got older, I decided if I was ever going to be exposed or vulnerable again like that, it would be on my own terms. That whole experience was traumatic for me, and I've talked about it before on here, but not quite with the candor I am comfortable with now.
One of the people that slut-shamed me is a person that I had actually liked. After some lurking, I discovered he's getting married in a time period I won't specify because I'm not trying to help anyone figure out anything. I simply want to talk. Anyway, he's getting married. Lurked on the girl's page. She seems extremely sweet, and she's really a cutie. I wish them the best. No, I don't. I wish her the best. I'm completely against him getting to marry a nice, pretty woman because I feel like he doesn't realize she's the prize, not him or his goddamn hand in marriage. (Who knows? Maybe he's changed. I doubt it.) By the looks of her page, she's a pretty wholesome individual. Nothing is wrong with that at all, but it made me begin to resent some of my life, some of my nature. I felt like while everyone is getting cuffed up, am I going to have to remain alone because I love my male friends (that's a whooooole other blog entry, but basically until I find a partner with some fucking sense to know I'm not going to stop talking to my friends for him, I ain't dating.), have opinions, and want to wear what I want?????????
Like do I have to be this wholesome ass flowerpot? I didn't like that....at all. Insecurities had me questioning my validity, and that isn't fair. There isn't any guy that's posted a topless picture wondering if that's the reason he's fucking single. There isn't any guy that's had sex before wondering if that could potentially cause him to never get married. No one avoids listening to "Slob On My Knob," but "Deepthroat" is too explicit?
Please help me understand.
I've woken up and although I know I'll end up mentally going back to that space a few times, I'm going to refute it because logically, it just doesn't make sense. If I end up alone, I have to be comfortable with that because at the end of the day, I mainly just use men for sex and to ignore the fact I don't feel loved in all the ways I'd like to. Bad men aren't going to fix anything about me. I have to leave them alone, and I'm learning to. Lately I've been giving second chances, but never thirds. It's really easy to get cut off by me, and I'm lonely as hell. I'm not letting be lonely equate to me being foolish anymore. I'm tired of being masochistic. I'm tired of letting people close enough for them to disappoint me. I'm tired.
Alright, y'all, so I've talked numerous times on here about the fact that sexual expression for women is almost nonexistent. If you've been following me on Instagram for a prolonged period of time, then you've seen me post thirst traps, my nipple piercings (which was less controversial than I imagined it would be), and CupcakKe lyrics. I used to be comfortable doing those things for two main reasons: 1) my body is mine, and if I'm proud of it, then I'm proud of it, and I'm going to show it off. I look good as hell, and that's just going to be what that is. 2) In high school, someone I really cared about and trusted decided to show my nudes to people that were only acquaintances or complete strangers to me. Like dumbasses, they didn't quietly whack off to me without me knowing. They actually had the audacity to let me know what they knew. Not cool. When I got older, I decided if I was ever going to be exposed or vulnerable again like that, it would be on my own terms. That whole experience was traumatic for me, and I've talked about it before on here, but not quite with the candor I am comfortable with now.
One of the people that slut-shamed me is a person that I had actually liked. After some lurking, I discovered he's getting married in a time period I won't specify because I'm not trying to help anyone figure out anything. I simply want to talk. Anyway, he's getting married. Lurked on the girl's page. She seems extremely sweet, and she's really a cutie. I wish them the best. No, I don't. I wish her the best. I'm completely against him getting to marry a nice, pretty woman because I feel like he doesn't realize she's the prize, not him or his goddamn hand in marriage. (Who knows? Maybe he's changed. I doubt it.) By the looks of her page, she's a pretty wholesome individual. Nothing is wrong with that at all, but it made me begin to resent some of my life, some of my nature. I felt like while everyone is getting cuffed up, am I going to have to remain alone because I love my male friends (that's a whooooole other blog entry, but basically until I find a partner with some fucking sense to know I'm not going to stop talking to my friends for him, I ain't dating.), have opinions, and want to wear what I want?????????
Like do I have to be this wholesome ass flowerpot? I didn't like that....at all. Insecurities had me questioning my validity, and that isn't fair. There isn't any guy that's posted a topless picture wondering if that's the reason he's fucking single. There isn't any guy that's had sex before wondering if that could potentially cause him to never get married. No one avoids listening to "Slob On My Knob," but "Deepthroat" is too explicit?
Please help me understand.
I've woken up and although I know I'll end up mentally going back to that space a few times, I'm going to refute it because logically, it just doesn't make sense. If I end up alone, I have to be comfortable with that because at the end of the day, I mainly just use men for sex and to ignore the fact I don't feel loved in all the ways I'd like to. Bad men aren't going to fix anything about me. I have to leave them alone, and I'm learning to. Lately I've been giving second chances, but never thirds. It's really easy to get cut off by me, and I'm lonely as hell. I'm not letting be lonely equate to me being foolish anymore. I'm tired of being masochistic. I'm tired of letting people close enough for them to disappoint me. I'm tired.
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