Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

"If you want, we can be runaways runnin' from any site of love..."-Desperado, Rihanna


"I should've picked you." A screenshot sent by one of my close friends from an ex.


Like loving me was an unfortunate lottery pick. Being back in this town is cancer for me right now, but it's teaching me a lot about myself and helping me understand the past. Everything is magnified in hindsight. You search for places it went wrong, lines that were blurred one minute, then completely transparent the next. Perhaps they were never even there.


Friends, how well do you really know me? For those that are on the side of knowing me well (knowing about "the trailer", the scar on my left wrist's origin, my Badu post characters), tell me this: have you ever wondered how I act in a relationship? You hear me talk about my significant other constantly and every conversation seems to drift toward them, but do you know how possessive or sensitive I am? Or insensitive while we're at it. I'm like a constantly tampered-with switch. Flicking, flicking, flicking. It's honestly a sight to see.


Reason I'm my worst self in a relationship: Love makes me an ugly thing because I'm a control freak.


That being said, I don't mean I want to control the person I'm with. I don't expect less than I give. I mean I want to control circumstances and the emotional spectrum I'm put through. I don't want to look stupid, which makes me act stupid. Example? I feel that your level of excitement to see me should match or exceed mine. You seem happy to see your little thotpockets on Instagram, therefore you should be happy to see me, or I'm going to have an attitude. That attitude is going to turn into an argument and even if you're "not bout to argue" with me, I'm going to argue with you, so..... Am I making myself clear? Like is it understood what I'm trying to say right now?


Anyway, I sort of feel like things I want/need should be obvious and when it isn't, I have a problem. I'm just sort of bad with communication as a whole. Either I say less than what I need to or I'm just passive-aggressive. I let things build. That's another reason I'm my worst self in a relationship. I'm in a situation where I have to depend solely on another human being's intuitiveness or common sense to get what I need from him. That. Shit. Does. Not. Mix.


I digress. The point is, I have some things about me that are really sus, especially if I'm involving another person, which is why I really just want to be away from people right now. I'm including friends in that as well as Snooki*. (I can't do a proper footnote on here, but there is a definition for that word listed at the bottom of this page.) I feel like I've exhausted every friendship I have. My roommate once told me that people have a right to decide if they want to put up with my bullshit, that I shouldn't just assume and make the choice for them.


Sadly, assuming is the one thing I'm consistently good at. I don't want anyone to have to deal with me right now. I'm exploring all negatives of my life right now so I can create a better picture. Until it's developed, I want to be alone. Until I'm developed, I want to be alone.


*Snooki: A pet name for the person I'm romantically involved with at the time.