A Compilation of Thoughts

"But all our phrasing-race relations, racial chasm, racial justice, racial profiling, white privilege, even white supremacy-serves to obscure that racism is a visceral experience, that it dislodges brains, blocks airways, rips muscle, extracts organs, cracks bones, breaks teeth. You must never look away from this." -Between the World and Me, Novel by Ta-Nehisi Coates


This hiatus from people is, while rather difficult, something I'm finding sincere pleasure in. Staying indoors and reading/writing, exploring myself, as well as gaining well-needed knowledge for the next phase of my life has been an absolute joy, so why not? Why not let America fund the furthering of my eloquence so I can later dissolve division among the general public and my people? My people aren't black people. My people aren't women. My people are people with a heart capable enough for enthusiastic empathy and a mind willing enough to witness, realize, and act against injustice.
After discussing potentially going into the Air Force Reserve to help financially aid my college education, I began thinking about America and all its bigotry, its false pride, and the "strange fruit" cobbler it's had for dessert so long.
I decided it was something I'd gladly do: rob a piece of land that has me mentally reconstructing myself, relearning what safety actually is, mentally reprimanding myself for fearing a black man walking past my house at night but not a white man that gives me that awkward smile when our eyes meet outside the grocery store.



We cannot be friends if you believe "good hair" is anything more than a wash and condition. We cannot be friends if my sensitivity (although controlled, but still noticeable) bothers you. We cannot be friends if you glance at the ever-present dangers to my health and happiness and decide it is too much for you to bear. If my persecution makes you uncomfortable TOWARD me instead of FOR me, then please IGNORE me just like you do the problems I face.
I don't speak on anything unless I know what I'm talking about, therefore babbling "intellectuals" don't arouse me. Hearing this, reading part of that, and adding a bunch of things that sound "statistical" do not intimidate or modify my opinion in any given conversation or debate.


I will not smile at you because you think I should. I will not laugh quieter in public. I will not birth a baby I'm not ready for.


What I will do is kick myself in the ass for letting my old, white best friend explain to me the difference between Black People and Niggers is that, "Niggers don't work or take care of their kids." That wasn't a crucial or definitive response. Last I checked, deadbeat parents were in every race. Just like the first rapists I learned about from history were slave owners (of course I'm aware there were many prior). Or the first thief was a nigga that died thinking he was in an entirely different country. Damn, how's that for "uneducated" like every person on welfare (minority or otherwise) is presumed to be?


Friends, am I making you uncomfortable? That question is an oxymoron. We're not friends if my consciousness rouses discomfort in you. Don't confuse my reticence with complacency. Don't believe my gentle hand can't form a proper fist. Because I don't constantly loud mouth my ideals, don't believe there are none present.


I have the luxury of God, of believing there is something out there that pushes me in the directions I ask to go. Meaning if I pray for growth, I will go through a breakup, be broke, move from the suburban ghetto to the urban ghetto, and attend a school where for two years, I only have a pocketful of true friends, some including staff. However, I will come out ready to move to one of the most dangerous cities in the nation, hoping to later prompt some change, write better than I ever thought possible, become a lover of all things Andrea, and understand I got exactly what I asked for.
God doesn't openly reside everywhere. It is a choice to believe, not a necessity nor a measure of moral standing. It isn't a white man on a cloud watching us fuck. It isn't rooting for us to be mistreated "just because." I am handed the comfort of a higher power because of my geographical region, my physical and mental capabilities, the perpetual chances of betterment being in my favor. Helpless people that have no way of becoming anything more-caught between defensive and defenseless-I don't disdain their dismissal of the belief. Everything is perspective when we get down to it, nothing less, nothing more. Is the glass half-empty or half full? Well let's drink and determine if we've had enough.