Track 3: Thank You, But No

"Used to fuck with Young Thug. I ain't addressin' the shit. Caught him in my dressing room stealing dresses and shit..." -Barbie Dreams, Nicki Minaj

Dear Men in the Supermarket,

When I make eye contact with you, please look away. It's so awkward to be in the presence of a stranger that won't stop looking at me. It's not like I consider it harassment. I'm not trying to label you a pervert because you think I'm pretty. I'm uncomfortable being stared at in general by anyone, even people close to me, so imagine how I feel with you making a beeline for my irises.

Don't walk up to me on the other aisle and try to strike up conversation. My headphones are in for a reason. I am anxious. I hate shopping alone. Don't make this any weirder for me than my anxiety already does. I'm not interested. I don't want to talk. We don't like the same Powerade flavors; I'm purchasing these for someone else. Please go away. Please take your entourage with you. Please tell them to stop staring too. It's all so weird and uncomfortable.

And you, the reader, don't you dare try to blame my tank top and jeans for the reason I'm being approached. Don't you even dare. This happens all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing a wig or my curly puff. It doesn't matter if my headphones are in. It doesn't matter if my stomach is showing or not. They come. They say weird things that are supposed to be flattering. They pretend they know I'm so in tune with love and nature because I'm reading.

The problem is not that they approach.....in a sense. It's how, usually. Sometimes it's a quick compliment. Those are my favorite. It's still awkward, but maybe if my day gets worse, I can think of it and smile. The quick compliments are rare. Usually it's a pull for a conversation neither of us have because we have nothing in common. Nothing. You'd know that if you knew me, but you don't know me.

I'm a woman, and you're a man. We're in the same building. Obviously I want you to flirt with me. Obviously I want you to be pushy when I'm clearly uninterested. Obviously I want you to keep making me uncomfortable because I'm a woman, and you're a man, and we're in the same building, and life is like those movies where two people can know absolutely nothing about each other, but with the man's persistence, somehow it'll work.

It's not like I'm stuck-up. I don't want you to pay my bills or get my hair done. I don't want you to be six feet tall because realistically, that would make you over a foot taller than me. I don't want you to have a new car because I get rides to/from my destinations. It's none of that. I'm just not interested. Later down the line, when I say I want a man, I am not obligated to feel bad because I rejected you.

That's like telling an AIDS patient they should've chosen herpes. It's all terminal, love.

Track 2: This Is a Diss

"'Cause you's a fuckboy, fuckboy. My mama even said it. Got a new nigga, I ain't even gotta sweat it." -Fuckboy, Trina

I've been living in Louisiana for almost four months. In the time that I have been here, I have learned one thing for certain: Southern men have to be the most fucking problematic out of all of the rest in the United States, and that's saying something.

There's a community here called "Four Corners." Today a young woman was murdered by her boyfriend while being three months pregnant (and then he committed suicide). This is the second time within the past month or so something like this has happened and the casualty and excuses in which people speak about it are...disturbing to say the least.



Still, I haven't spoken my piece on it because what is the point? With older people, especially older males, their minds are already made up because they were somehow (fortunate? lucky? "smart"?) enough to make it this far in life, they must have all the answers. I couldn't be more over it if I catapulted myself 100 miles away at a velocity of 2,000 mph. Their conversation on this was, naturally, wondering what would spark such an awful and tragic incident. After the deliberation? "He probably found out the kid wasn't his."



Even. If. That. Was. The. Fucking. Case. And. He. Suspected. He. Wasn't. The. Father. How. The. Fuck. Would. He. Know. If. She. Was. Still. Pregnant?

Original Publication Date: July 17, 2018 5:12 PM

Edit: December 04, 2024 At the time I wrote this, I was not aware of noninvasive paternity tests. This means that a paternity test can in fact be done before the birth of the baby in question.

PROBLEMATIC BLACK MEN DO NOT VALUE THE LIVES AND LEGACIES OF BLACK WOMEN WHATSO-FUCKING-EVER.

The longer we continue to tolerate their constant disregard for our safety is the longer we are able to be victimized in our homes, at our jobs, schools. Conversations like that are appalling for me to listen to as a Black woman that will soon be living on her own (more info about that soooooooooooon). It's painful, disgusting, and it honestly makes me wish I'd just go ahead and get more comfortable transitioning into the female side of my bisexuality or at least work my way up to dating outside my race (more on that later as well) (I promise it isn't anything problematic.). Anyway, we need to open a serious discussion about this because I'm highkey tired of the mess. Once I do a little research and find out the name of the woman involved, I will be sure to give a small tribute to her on here.

Track 1: This Ain't What You Want

♫"F*ck you too b*tch, call the cops. I'mma kill you and them loud-ass barking dogs. And when the cops came through, me and Dre stood next to a burnt down house with a can full of gas and a hand full of matches and still weren't found out..."♪ -Forgot About Dre, Dr. Dre feat. Eminem

Y'all don't actually know me. You know a lot about me. While I've exposed a lot of things about myself here, it has always been done with things in the past tense. When all of those things were actually taking place, I was laughing and shrugging them off like they weren't noxious to me. I was ignoring them because who wants to be the sad bitch in the group? Who wants to always have bad news? I never wanted to be that person because it's toxic to always be around negative energy, but at the end of the day, a bitch was going through a lot.

Now that I'm in a better place in my life (I moved to Louisiana, have an active love life, and the handful of friends I've got been A1 since day one. I'm switching schools because that online ish wasn't working for me, and I'm now a triple threat as a writer, artist, and bad b*tch.), I'm looking back on basically 12-18, and my healing has taken so long because I have perpetually called it off in order to make everybody around me comfortable. 

Fuck y'all. 

If my discomfort is an inconvenience to you, you don't have to f*ck with me. 

1. My sexuality. While now I am in a committed relationship and am no longer having casual sex with people, I still did multiple times this past year, and I have no shame about it. Hoes are valid, and if you want to label me as a hoe, then that's your right. Just know that it in no way affects the way I value myself. I used to walk through the halls of my old high school with relentless anxiety about people knowing of my sexual endeavors. I refuse to ever be shamed again over what I want and don't want. And the truth is? I probably would've been okay with guys saying their eerie pieces on the matter if there were more girls that were also open with their sexuality instead of shaming each other and acting like they weren't on so-and-so's d*ck the minute I/she/he hopped off of it. Consider that just one of many reasons why I no longer actively search for friends but especially not female friends because honestly? Y'all are so damn insecure and toxic and weird: not all, but a good majority. Keep that away from me. 

2. My mental health. I am somewhat possessive and really enjoy reassurance. That doesn't mean I'm unwilling to give people around me the space that they need but before you decide to treat me a certain way and make me feel as if I matter to you, understand I will constantly be rethinking what my position is to you and how I can keep it. Your feelings will constantly be taken into consideration because I will think you are taking mine to the head as well. If that is not the case, do not falsely guide me to believing so. Be frank with me because what may be menial to you could greatly affect me, and if I got comfortable enough to let you see I'm attached to you, I will not tolerate mistreatment in return because I've already had my fair share of abuse. Speaking of abuse....

3. My parents. While I am at least on speaking terms with my parents, that doesn't mean I condone everything that took place while I was under their care. I have been pretty silent about my situation with them because I didn't want to look like I was losing authenticity or praising their mistreatment. No, they did a lot wrong and so did I. I accept responsibility for my reactions to the things that went on, but I refuse to feel bad for accepting the truth about myself, and that is I want their love and approval. 

I am finally becoming the woman I want to be, meaning that even though I no longer flaunt my nipples all over the place, smoke and drink, and don't put all of my energy into being everyone's "good-time" girl doesn't mean that I am no longer being true to myself. I'm being true to the version of me that deserves life. I designated myself as everyone's comedic relief when the truth is not a goddamn soul asked me to take that position and almost all the people I disregarded my personal trials for aren't even on speaking terms with me, so when I say I do not care who takes it personal that they are no longer invited to be an active part of my existence, I need you to feel that on a spiritual level because your feelings are valid. If people try to mock them, scrutinize you for having them, or belittle their part in your destruction, I need you to cut that off with a swiftness. Everything is not a joke, and your state of well being definitely is not.