Would You Mind?

"I been watching for a sign. Took a trip to clear my mind. Oh. Now I'm even more lost, and you're still so fine. Oh, my. Oh, my. Been having conversations about breakups and separations..."-Mine, Beyonce feat. Drake

Growing up with black southerners for parents, I've heard most if not all superstitions. Typically, I don't maneuver my life around the presence of ladders or cracks. That's just me, though. One superstition I've heard time and time again is that stepping over someone can stunt their growth. I like that one. It resonates more closely a real life issue-people around you stunting your growth.

This summer I intended to work and write, make time for occasional fun. For the most part, though, I wanted tunnel vision. A straight shot to my goal, nothing in my peripheral view to serve as distraction. I've learned being a control freak does not and never has worked in ny favor, so I'm relinquishing myself to the universe for a map to my path. If I'm more at peace, more composed, it's because I'm no longer haunted by all the instances I was in situations or conversations I didn't want to be in. I no longer hate my father or resent my mother. My old boyfriends are just that-old boyfriends. Flames that flickered with the joining of hands, died with the attendance of rain, and are now ashes cultivating new things within me.

This peace of mind, this clarity has come from being alone. Solitude has become a sweet companion to me. While I understand the relevance of interpersonal relationships and will always seek friendships with those on the spectrum of humility, I will never underestimate the power of being alone. I liked high school, but all four years of it had a hovering toxicity. Finding myself, burying myself in other people, trying to develop character traits that just aren't there for me, cursing the sun for sweat, cursing the moon for its sullen and lonely reminder I am alone.

I never wanted to be alone, ever, so this new development is a welcome change. Most of the people I called friends before will probably never even get my new number without asking. We probably won't meet up to reminisce or see a movie. I'll never feel uninvited. I'm not even willing to retreat physically in another person (I'm celibate now; can y'all believe it?) until my mental and spiritual health is shown the utmost care and compassion. I'm tired of yelling at my past self. She didn't know better, so she didn't do better. I'm tired of daily changing the appearance and goal of my future self. Present Andrea needs my attentiveness, so if you don't mind....

I'll be seeing ya around.