"Adulting"

"The collective is merely suggesting in theory that love is a blessing. I'm stressing it really. Man, y'all don't hear me. If you never been alone, how you know yourself? If you ain't up under water, how you grow yourself? You should love you so much that you go Marilyn Manson and blow yourself. It's some things that you gotta learn that only you can show yourself. Get introspective. It can only go right like you got no left like a whack ass point guard or a porn star. Yeah, I'm going hard. Yeah, I'm Coinstar. I done seen change. Tryna turn this shit to dollar bills. Touchin' souls, not just coppin' feels." -Angles, Mick Jenkins feat. Noname and Xavier Omar

Failure is really subjective. I've recently become a fan of The Simpsons, and "Bart Gets an F" sort of tugged at my heartstrings because what some of us define as failure is the best for others, and it took a spiky-haired cartoon character for that to fully set in. As many of you already know, I've been going through a lot this year, but what I've failed to mention is how this has affected my college experience. After all, I'm going through my freshman year like the rest of the 2017 class, yet I have been pretty indifferent to it. For one thing, my "college experience" has been a little different since I go to school online. While I may not be getting a law degree from DeVry or some goofy shit like that, I had trouble really considering myself a college student because I wasn't living on campus and dodging spiked party drinks or skateboarding in between classes. The God honest truth is that I don't feel I've learned much either. All I know is I passed everything except World Civ I and that I've finally learned to navigate virtual learning (In all fairness, it's not like it's super difficult. There were just too many days I wanted to focus on things that mattered more to me than doing discussion boards with my "classmates".).
I guess what I'm saying is that I really had the wrong attitude going through this entire semester. I've been taking more L's personally than academically, which is good. While still being able to write and work full time, I'm still able to work toward a degree, which is something I should be grateful for. The truth, though? I'm a sucker for tradition and still feel in some major ways I'm missing out. That being said, I'm going to give a little insight to anyone possibly wondering what life after high school has been like thus far.

1. You decide how your time is spent. All of it. This is really weird because there were a lot of days I'd be at work and just think like, "I can walk out right now. I won't have money later, but I don't have to do this." It's super trippy. It's like the entire time you're in school, your own time management is sort of a forbidden fruit, but then you graduate and can like...do shit on your own accord, and it's such a powerful thought until practicality sets in and is like, "Nah, fam, finish this shift out with your broke arse."

2. No one cares that you just got out of high school and don't have credit. Okay, so more than likely you're a senior right now with no job because you're focused on school or your parents pretty much provide the necessities as well as a few good leisures. That being said, once you're out of school and want a car to either get you to your job in college or just to ride around in and do hoodrat stuff with your friends, if you don't have cash to just buy one, you'll more than likely try to get a loan. Since you have no credit history (and let's assume no one with credit is willing to cosign for you), you're a major risk and will face a lot of rejections on that front. My advice would be to open a credit line now. A card with a very small credit limit, for example. I feel like guardians would possibly be more helpful on that front, but everyone's situation is different, so I really can't call it. Just know you'll need to try and get that in order as soon as possible.

3. You can have sex without sneaking. Just be careful. Always use protection and if it's agreed between you and your partner(s) that no one is supposed to catch feelings, don't catch feelings. Also, consent is stated, never assumed.

4. You will learn your biggest strengths and weaknesses because you're on your own time. That being said, once you know them, adapt your plans and lifestyle to make sure you get everything done that needs to be.

5. Jobs are not easy to come by. If you want one, I would suggest not using any illegal substances until you're hired. That means during the job hunt, the wait for the interview, etc, keep clean. This should be common sense, but hey.

6. Remember that you are just as capable as the next person. A huge struggle I had with adjusting to adulthood was wanting to get reassurance from everyone else that I was on the right track. There's nothing wrong with this in moderation or when your spirits are low, but don't assume that you can't make the grades you want, get the job you want, or have the relationships you want. You can. You just have to work with what is given to you and understand that your life is important. What you want out of this life is important, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

7. Take care of yourself. My mantra for the beginning part of this year was "The objective is to keep moving" because I feel like when we're stagnant and allow things to pile up, it becomes way harder to maneuver than when we're already in motion and making things happen. Wipe your makeup off before you go to sleep. Moisturize your hair. Give yourself a compliment. Let your barber line you up. MASTURBATE REGULARLY.

8. You can't drink it away. You can't party it away. You can't study it away. Whatever personal problems have manifested prior to you coming into adulthood and have not been addressed will remain. Try to tackle them as soon as you can now that you've got your own time to do so.

9. It's okay to change your mind. If you want to be someone different, okay. (Just make sure it's for the right reasons) If you want to stop being friends with certain people or take up different hobbies, it is positively alright. Do you on you. If you change what you want out of life multiple times a week, it is okay. Acknowledge that you don't have all the answers and that a degree, a job, or a relationship will not change that.

10. Create playlists. For the shower. For car rides. For studying. Keep some tunes that make you feel good or put you in the right mood for what you have to do. Attach a certain memory to a certain song. Listen to that song when you want to go back to that place mentally. Music is everywhere and is a major part of our existence. Why would we not include it when wanting to help shape our lives?

Shakespeare (A Thank You Note) , Part I

"I was runnin'. You were walkin'. You couldn't keep up. You were fallin' down. Mmmmm. There's only one way down..."-Send My Love (To Your New Lover), Adele

Let me begin by saying this. I genuinely do believe he loved me...just in his way, not the correct one.

My junior year of high school brought about many changes. I came to grips with being bisexual. (Don't get it twisted. It's not a "phase" and the only thing preventing me from coming out publicly is the idea the bitches at my old high school will think I was sincerely flirting with them.) I transferred from Columbia High School to the Mississippi School of the Arts. I got my first real job and cellphone. I went through my first mentally abusive relationship. Regardless of if that's what you want to call it, that's what it was and after over a year of tap dancing around the subject, it's time I draw light to it because you all deserve to know the signs of an unhealthy relationship and how to reconstruct if you've already been through one.

I haven't been postponing this topic out of fear or even some goofy "I'm still in love" stuff. I've been postponing because I wanted to know for certain that a) I could write about this without having a complete breakdown and b) that I am, in fact, not that same girl. The truth? For a large part, I have disassociated myself from this time period in order to heal from it. I know I still can't discuss this from a completely objective standpoint, but I can definitely try.

As I've mentioned before in at least a couple entries, I remained occupied by relationships consistently from my freshman year of high school until the summer before my senior year of high school. I had no real personality or anything about me that genuinely stood out. I was a 2D character in a 3D world making myself relevant by the only fascinating thing about me: my freaky side. Opinion on politics? "Neutral." Religion? "I'm a Christian, and I'll pray for you if you aren't." Aspirations? Hobbies? Passions? "I'm in band." Problems? "Daddy issues. And me and my mom's relationship isn't so hot either."

Surely, this isn't the girl you all know, right? I mean the Andrea you know is fun and headstrong and can write her ass off. Is going to end up doing something huge. In actuality, I'll probably run away in a couple years and cut contact with almost everyone. Write some books, buy a house, and just be lowkey as hell until I die. That's the master plan, but my point is that at least I have a plan that isn't just scraps of things I don't want my parents to know or traits I got from ex-boyfriends. How did you people ever befriend me? What was there? (This isn't a rhetorical question. How were you my friends? I mean was I just a good sponge? I need to know.)

By my junior year of high school I had only slept away from home once and that was for band camp, which my parents called and even visited throughout the five days I was there. So as you can imagine, moving out of my house at sixteen and living with all these exciting people (atheists, druggies, nymphos, cosplayers) was overwhelming. What I did know was that I had quickly outgrown my then boyfriend. I came home one weekend with a fake septum ring, to which he responded in disgust (and probably mild horror), "If you're going to wear a nose ring, please wear a different one. That's a Devil's nose ring." ....

Then there was the football game where he embarrassed me in front of my friends by "checking" me about my revealing tank top to which I was "never going to wear that shit again." ....

The final straw was commenting "WOOOOW!! YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!" under some girl's picture (after I had clearly said things like that made me uncomfortable early into our relationship)and the excuse was, "I was just giving credit where it's due. Plus, I'd like to collaborate with her musically." ....

That ended and was forgotten easily. Forgiven, not so much. Forgotten. Yes.

So I moved on. During my self-love trip that I hit pause on and didn't resume until basically this summer, I thought I had found someone I clicked with. And I did. I mean everything just made sense. He was quiet, didn't do the fuck shit I had just left someone for, was funny, cute, seemed like everything that was meant for me. And then two days after we got together and hit the road to go home for the weekend, I get the messages while I'm asleep.

"Hi, babygirl." "Why aren't you responding to me?" "Hello?" "Why are you ignoring the fuck out of me?" "Are you with someone else?" I was colorblind to the flags. The truth of the situation is that we had been messaging through social media, and I just made it seem like that was something I enjoyed doing. I was too embarrassed to tell the truth, which was that I couldn't pay the bill on my phone and my dad didn't do it consistently. That meant I wouldn't be able to even text back until I got home and on my neighbors' WiFi. I was colorblind to the obvious flags, coaxed him, made it my obligation to prove myself trustworthy to someone who ultimately would never trust me. This was October.

Fast forward to December, I'm on my dorm floor begging for a second chance after being broken up with for something along the lines of disrespect or making him feel unwanted. Some shit. I was accepted back and later manipulated into believing he was sorry for the breakup.

It was things like this off and on, off and on for nine months. Me trying to prove myself. That's how you get sucked in. You're not the giving up type. You want to fight for what you believe is love. You want to belong to someone, to something. He's/she's just been hurt before-giving up means being like the other people. If everything was so perfect at first, how do we get back to that? How can a relationship with two people be so lonely?

I was isolated from my friends, all my time accounted for. I was having a 24/7 conversation with someone that didn't seem to like me talking even to myself. And I wanted that. I needed that. Finally, someone that wanted me to themselves. Finally, someone that was selfish with me. Finally, someone I was good enough for. So what if it meant I couldn't hang out after school or that I was so stressed out my period became irregular? That not arguing back meant being held in one spot until you talked or got broken up with? All I knew was that I was needed to someone, and that feeling was new and put an entirely different warmth in my stomach.

Girls, Guns, Gangs, and other G's

"Warriors and Conans hope euphoria can slowdance with society. The driver seat the first one to get killed. Seen a lightskinned nigga with his brains blown out at the same burger stand where &*!@ hang out. Now this is not a tape recorder sayin' that he did it, but ever since that day, I was lookin' at him different..."-m.A.A.d City, Kendrick Lamar

I've spent the summer making it a personal mission to know every lyric on Kendrick's "good kid, m.A.A.d City" album and track eight is the one that made me a)officially stop smoking and b)want to learn more about gangs. Living in a retirement town like  I know that gangs exist; however, they've never been anything I fret over. I wear the colors I please and am more worried about terrorists in white hoods burning crosses than I am about getting shot in a drive-by. Specifically, I've taken interest in girls' roles as gang members. Like males, they're often in it for the security and sense of belonging to something, but girls are willing to be sexually assaulted by every member of a gang to earn rank. That's terrifying. Not to mention if a girl is just affiliated romantically with a gang member, she is a gang affiliate by association and cannot cross into parts of town where rival gangs reside. It's scary to know that had I gone to Chicago and thought I'd met a decent guy, one day he'd randomly ask me to hold some coke for him. That's another way it happens. One day you're just "doing favors" for a guy-holding drugs or guns for him. I'm aware most of my current readers are fellow  but I know at some point that will change, so it's important to me that I reach broader topics. Ladies, please be careful about who you offer your time to. No, not all men are trash, but as a whole, they are. Do not look for completion in a relationship. Find completion in yourself. Do not endanger your life or the lives of those who love you lusting after something that can only be found when you aren't looking or creating it yourself. Are men innately manipulative? I don't believe so, however I do believe their jollies are gotten off by causing us to be submissive. Do not fall into the trap. I don't believe in gang affiliation for anyone, however I'm speaking to women because there is already so much we are susceptible to. Let's not add to it with gang full membership or even affiliation. My hood chicks, please understand that just because it is in your nature to be a "ride or die" doesn't mean you have to ride for someone willing to always compromise your security. These saggin' ass, half-grown, "It doesn't feel the same with a condom on" men are NOT worth your time. You deserve a love without violence. You deserve a love without bullying. You deserve a love that is not centered around your thickness or the lusting for your beauty. Know your worth. I speak specifically to you because I know none of you get the proper reassurance that you need. People are too intimidated by your personalities to be willing to understand you too are human. Love isn't just for the cosplaying Black girl or the conscious Black girl. Hood girls need love too. You all are not stupid. If anything, you are smarter than all of us. You know how to make a lot out of so little. You know how to have a good time. You're yourself in any given situation. All I ask is that you please use your creativity and street smarts to better yourself. Do not fall under the trap so many of our mothers and grandmothers fell under. You are not obligated to be loyal to anyone other than yourself. I love you.